Shallows dreme

Last night I dreamt I was having tea with the Queen. Over her fireplace was a huge portrait of the Beckhams, painted in different shades of gold. One of her corgis nipped me in the shin.

Shallow faces the truth

If you think about it, series 5 should really have come to an abrupt end with 5.13 Earlier Than Usual, finishing up with Glory holding Buffy's severed head up by the hair before tossing it aside. In the background we can see the dismembered remains of the Scoobies, an arm here, a leg there; perhaps Willow like a broken plastic doll. It's horridly reminiscent of the last episode of Blackadder II.

'Now, where were we, Dawnie?' Glory drawls, wiping her hands and striding forward and past the camera.

Next week: 2.16 Realistic Passion, where Angelus impales Willow, Xander and Joyce on the same pole like a horrific kebab, and leaves it on Buffy's front lawn for when she opens her curtains.

Shallow and the Bush dynasty

On the morning of November 9th 1988, I was in the bathrooms at our student residences when Steve, our American student, came in. 'Who've we got, Shallow?' he asked. I swelled with pride at being able to take even a tiny role in the presidential election process.

Assuming a carefully neutral tone I told him that George Bush had won.

'Oh man,' he said. 'Now I'm going to remember, for the next four years, that you told me we got Bush.'

I wished I hadn't told him. I'd be really, really surprised if I saw Steve in my bathroom tomorrow morning, but in the unlikely event that I do, I hope I've got better news for him. I mean, it's serious now. In 1988, I didn't want Bush to win, but I wasn't afraid for my life if he did.

Shallow at the Prom

My current voyage through Buffspace has brought me to Worst Episode Ever, also known as The Prom. This episode has me cheering on the hellhounds. Oz already deserves to die after his petulant tantrum in Choices, and Buffy - at her self-righteous worst here - also loses my sympathy. I think I hate Buffs more during this ep than at any other time, excepting only the point in The Gift where she threatens to kill her friends.
I hate the way that, after three whole series making the point that being different is a positive virtue, we have this rotten, sell-out coda remarking that mainstream acceptance is the only thing that matters. As if Jonathan would be on the organising committee anyway - even if he hadn't been 'toting a piece to school, not exactly winning him a place with the in-crowd' in the last episode but one.
On a scale of one to ten, this episode sucks.

One of the most frightening aspects of Caleb, series 7's misogynist priest, was his distinct resemblance to Tony, Neil Morrissey's character in Men Behaving Badly. It was as if we were seeing Tony's true self, what he would be like if he had the opportunity to behave badly on a grander scale than just stalking Debs.

I'll tell you where MBB went wrong. It was in the series written after Leslie Ash and Caroline Quentin had successfully agitated for the same pay as Martin Clunes and Neil Morrissey. In order to justify paying the actors the extra cash, Simon Nye had to give Deborah and Dorothy equal prominence as characters, and they were just not intrinsically funny in the way Gary and Tony were - because they weren't as fucked up.

Dear Abby,
A long time ago me and my brothers rebelled against the Valar and went back to Middle-earth with Fëanor. Since then I've been beset with ill-fortune. All my brothers have been killed, particularly the youngest, of whom I was especially fond.

Now I very much regret what we did. Should I try and let go?
G., Cerin Amroth

Dear Galadriel,
Yes. Don't look back in Aegnor.

I discover that one reason why so many of the forced postal votes were ruled invalid was that the papers have to be witnessed. I can't think of anything more likely to put me off voting than having to trail round to get confirmation of identity. Unless it's the idea that the names of the witnesses would be a way of identifying the person who cast the ballot.