'Welcome to the Russell T Davies Who Emporium sir.'
'Thank you my good man.'
'What can I do for you, sir?'
'Well, I was sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through The Ark In Space by Ian Marter, and I suddenly came over all eager.'
'Eager, sir?'
'Yearning.'
'Eh?'
'I wanted to watch some facking Doctor Who didn't I?'
'Oh, I thought you were complaining about Murray Gold.'
'Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the cacophonic muse.'
'Sorry?'
'I luv your music!'
'So he can go on playing, can he?'
'Most certainly. Now then, some Who please, my good man.'
'Certainly, sir. What would you like?'
'Well, how about a little wit?'
'I'm afraid we're fresh out of wit, sir.'
'Oh never mind, how are you on escapism?'
'I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh on Monday.'
'Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four episodes of mind-expanding ideas, if you please.'
'Ah. They've been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting them this morning.'
'It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, chillingly suggestive horror?'
'Sorry, sir.'
'Original monsters?'
'Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.'
'Satire perhaps?'
'Ah! We have satire, yes sir.'
'You do! Excellent.'
'Yes, sir. It's, er, it's a bit crappy.'
'Oh, I like it crappy.'
'Well, it's very crappy, actually, sir.'
'No matter. Fetch hither the satire and contemporary reference! M-mmm!'
'I think it's a bit crappier than you'll like it, sir.'
'I don't care how fucking crappy it is. Hand it over with all speed.'
'Oh...'
'What now?'
'It's three years out of date sir.'
'Is it.'
'Yes sir.'
'Likeable characters?'
'No'
'Alien planets?'
'No'
'Historical stories with a sense of time and place?'
'No'
'You do have some Who, don't you?'
'Of course, sir. It's a Who shop, sir. We've got .....'
'No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.'
'Fair enough.'
'Ah, how about references to historical and literary figures?'
'Well, we don't get much call for them around here, sir.'
'Not much ca- it's one of the most popular attributes of Who!'
'Not round here, sir.'
'And what is the most popular attribute of Who round here?'
'Subtle contemporary cultural reference sir.'
'Is it.'
'Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.'
'All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?'
'I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.'
'It's not much of a Who shop, is it?'
'Finest in the district, sir.'
'Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.'
'Well, it delivers sir. You haven't asked me about lasting appeal, sir.'
'Is it worth it?'
'Could be.'
'Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY INCIDENTAL MUSIC UP!'
'Told you so.'
'Have you got any lasting appeal?'
'No.'
'That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me: have you in fact got any Who here at all?'
'Yes, sir.'
'Really.'
'No. Not really, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.'
'Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.'
'Right-o, sir.'
BLAM