Thursday, May 13, 2010

Sex lives of the Doctor Who companions

I was in the bath earlier reading Curse of Peladon when I noticed that Hepesh thinks of Jo as a 'maiden'. 'She's never a maiden,' I thought instantly.

But just how sexually experienced were the companions? Remember, the TARDIS drive emits a field that has the harmless side-effect of dampening human sexual response, so none of them got any actually during their travels, but had they been around before they got on board?

This is how I call them:

Susan 2/5 - if Gallifreyans have sex as we understand it at all, I imagine they learn about it early on, when they're about 60 or so. Probably initial practice with transparent, geometric implements, then with other people in transparent, geometric beds.

Ian 1/5 - possibly some action during National Service (in the Malayan Emergency?) but mostly just heavy petting after Young Conservative meetings.

Babs 1/5 - had a boyfriend in 1961 who wore a big pullover and wrote poetry. Did anything happen? No gentleman would enquire.

Vicki 0/5 - Bennett wanking into her pants drawer doesn't count.

Steven 4/5 - surely there was a lot about on the spaceways before he got to the Mechanoids' planet.

Dodo 0/5 - when she got older she turned into the sort of woman who tells you that the swinging sixties thing was all hype, and that no-one was getting any except Mick Jagger and Joe Orton (not with each other).

Ben and Polly 5/5 - lots of partners. Ben had a girl in every port and Polly was fighting off the fellers. And she had at least one friend who wore too much eyeliner and had a backstreet abortion.

Jamie 2/5 - healthy outdoor upbringing, and easy access to his fruitbowl in that kilt. But he may have been too slow to work out what to do with it.

Victoria 0/5 - wasn't even allowed to see her own 'parts of shame'.

Zoe 5/5 - sex class was high on the curriculum at that school she went to. Clinical, precise expertise in hundreds of techniques.

Liz 2/5 - in between adventures, went home to a brilliant scientist fiance who wore those heavy glasses you see on Python.

Jo 5/5 - went like a train. Though I also get the impression that she exploited 70s dating etiquette to make sure that many men shelled out for drinks/dinner without getting more than a nice smile and a kiss goodnight.

Sarah 0/5 - I have a filthy imagination but I just cannot picture Sarah having sex with anyone.

Harry 4/5 - Ian without the impulse control. Whores when on active service, round the back of the hunt ball with nubile county girls when at home.

Leela 2/5 - as one of only two Sevateem girls, she would have had plenty of suitors. But she would have been hard to persuade. 'The harder they come, the quicker they die of loss of blood when she chops their cocks off' as the tribal saying has it.

Romana I 1/5 - see Susan. But I can't really imagine it.

Romana II 4/5 - if anyone on Gallifrey was getting any, then it was her. She could give a statue of Rassilon a stiffy just by looking at it in a certain way.

Adric 1/5 - only if one of the slaver crew showed him the golden rivet. Mind you, technically not human so would have been unaffected by the TARDIS bromide field.

Tegan 4/5 - left Australia because she'd worn out every man from Kogarah to Cairns.

Nyssa 3/5 - hard to tell between 'I know so little about sexual intercourse' and 'Is that your penis, Adric? We studied those at the Lyceum. Except they seemed to be bigger then.'

Turlough 4/5 - charm doubtless effective on Earth girls encountered on exeat days. If not, still plenty of action at public schools.

Peri 4/5 - unless Hollywood has lied to me, there's plenty of action on American campuses.

Mel 2/5 - 80s sex with her dull boyfriend. Drinks in a wine bar, then drive home in a mark 4 Escort for a quick pre-AIDS bang.

Ace 3/5 - if we're to believe the whole Perivale bad girl thing, lots of sweaty-legginged sex with proto-crusties.

But what say you?